Let's talk about sex!

Not mind blowing, toe curling, baby making sex!  I mean the sex of the baby (get your mind out of the gutter)!  I’m pretty sure most women have two thoughts when they find out they are expecting…1) they pray for a healthy baby and 2) they wonder if they’ve been blessed with a boy or  a girl.  Finding out the sex of our baby was a high priority for Eran and I.  Eran because he wanted to know if his “legacy” would live on in a son and me because, well, I was just ready to shop for pink or blue.  Eran was so eager to find out the sex that he decided he wanted to visit a 3D ultrasound clinic so we could find out 3weeks early.   I would only recommend doing this if you are super anxious (as were we) and if you have a few extra bucks to spare (it can be expensive).  The place we went to offered three options:  gender reveal, 3D ultrasound or 4D ultrasound.  You could also purchase a package that included the same day gender reveal and an option to return later in your pregnancy and receive a 3D ultrasound or upgrade to the 4D.  Eran took one look at the 3D/4D images in the ultrasound office and said, “hell no!”  He was so freaked out by being able to see such an image of the baby.  He actually told the woman it was unnatural and they looked like clay aliens.  Can’t say I disagree.   The salesperson also tried to sell us a plastic heart that they can upload with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.  I literally thought Eran was going to run out of the place.  When he went to sit down I asked the woman to please stop talking to him.  

We went in for the ultrasound and even after peeing twice before I felt like I was gonna piss all over the place.  It was pretty cool they set you up in a relaxing room with low lights, soft music and instead of looking at a monitor the image is projected on a huge wall in front of you.  The tech stalled for a few seconds, for suspense I suppose, and then he pointed to the baby’s genitals and said CONGRATS IT’S A BOY!  My husband, Eran Burton Landry, jumped out of his chair like a damn fool.  He ran across the room and started celebrating like he had just ran the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.  He started fist pumping (well his version of fist pumping) and shouting YEA! Now anybody who knows Eran, I mean really knows him, knows this is not typical Eran behavior unless MAYBE he’s had a few drinks and we are on our annual ski trip other than that the man just doesn’t show emotion.   I seriously thought he was gonna start crying.  He was so excited!  I was excited to, but I didn’t jump off the table and run around the room like a crazy woman.  I just laid pack and smiled and thought to myself “thank goodness I don’t have to discuss tampons and carrying yourself like a lady.”  Whew!  I also thought about how my lil man would look, sound, and act.  I prayed right on the table that he would have his daddy’s patience and athletic ability, but a little bit of my sensitive side and ability to see two sides to every story. 

Finding out the sex of the baby makes things seem so much more real.  You know longer can call the baby IT or THING or whatever else.  There’s something so surreal about finally being able to say, “my son.”  I loved my son the moment I found out I was pregnant, but the moment I heard “it’s a boy” I fell in love with him 10 times more.  I can’t wait to meet him and count his little fingers and toes!  I'm so excited!!!!

I can't believe I actually would rather be a B Cup!

Before becoming pregnant I wasn’t the most endowed person when it came to my breast so I hadn’t really thought about what pregnancy would do to my cup size.  In college my friend Rosanna introduced me to the Victoria Secret Very Sexy push up and I’ve been fooling many a people since then!  Even with years of wearing a good push up I wasn’t prepared for what pregnancy would do to the “girls.”  They are seriously out of control!  Not only do they hurt, but they just keep getting bigger and bigger!  The other day I went to the grocery store and the boy who checked me out was literally staring at my chest.  At some point in my life I probably would’ve saw this as flattering, but for some reason with a baby inside of me I just felt violated.  Then again it was partly my fault; I’m still adjusting how to dress a growing chest.  I was in the grocery store in a v-neck tank top so all my business was exposed- serves me right that lil perv got a good look I guess. 

Last week I wore a dress to work that I’ve had for quite some time.  It has sort of an empire waist so it’s perfect for a growing belly.  However; the belly part was not the problem- my boobs were.  I could barely zip the top with my bra on so I had to go bra less to work.  Well sort of- I wore a backless bra that sticks to your skin and has zero support!  That at least enabled me to zip the dress.  By the end of the day I seriously thought my boobs were going to pop clean out of the dress and pop the zipper.  I literally could not breathe.  When Eran picked me up after work I jumped in the car and begged him to unzip me.  I rode the whole way home with the seat laid back, boobs exposed with just a backless bra but able to breathe!  It was awesome!!

Lately everyone wants to hug me to congratulate me on being pregnant.  That’s very nice and all, but really I just want them to stay the hell away from my chest.  It’s like in college when every damn body you saw had to give you a hug between the Commons and the Hub when all you were trying to do was check your mail and go to your dorm to take a nap.  Sometimes I’d walk the front of campus just to avoid all those damn hugs.   My friends who went to HBCUs said it was the same way, but I went to USM, a far cry from a HBCU, but anyway…I digress.  The point is my boobs feel like pins are pricking them and when someone unleashes a tight hug on me I want to scream, cry and smack the hell out of them all at the same time.  It’s an awful and downright mean feeling.  My friend Romika and I always talk about creating some invention that will turn us into millionaires.  I’m thinking we need to patent some sort of pregnancy boob shield.  Hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have put that in cyber space.  How do I trademark this?  Does this Pregnancy Boob Shield ™ suffice?  

The moral of this story is to a) shop for a new bra because obviously I have “out grown” my current stash b) stop trying to squeeze into pre-maternity tops and dresses because it’s not worth being unable to breathe  c) wink at the boy next time at the grocery store while simultaneously rubbing my belly just to freak his lil ass out and d) begin discussing patent  and trademark law with Remix ASAP!