Here comes...Poppy!

I basically can sum up pregnancy in 4 words, “this ish is overrated!”  I’m not quite sure who decided that carrying a human being in your uterus for 9 months was so much more appealing than the stork dropping off a cute, dimple faced baby that resembles both me and my husband, but clearly I got the raw end of the deal.  When I think of how wonderful raising a baby will be and how excited I’m sure I’ll be at the conclusion of these 9 months it does keep me going and makes me try to look past the nausea and vomiting.  BUT, then I eat something that apparently the baby has decided since yesterday that he/she doesn’t like any longer and as I hold my hair with one hand and grip the toilet with the other it becomes very clear to me why surrogacy is so appealing to celebrities!

The day I found out I was pregnant I was honestly shocked!  I wanted to be like the women in those EPT commercials who are overcome with joy when the line turns from one to two, but I honestly couldn’t move.  I stared at that lil stick for at least 3 minutes before I decided, “oh shit, I need to tell Eran we are having a baby!”  I yelled for him downstairs to hurry up and that there was an emergency, his response, “I’m doing laundry, what is it?”  Well since it was Good Friday I decided using a few choice curse words was not very good Catholic girl of me so I politely yell back, “get up here now, I said it’s an emergency!”  So he came- not very eager I might add.  I pointed to the stick on the bathroom counter and we both just kinda stood there shell shocked.  We hugged and then decided; maybe we should call the doctor.  That’s the order right?  Positive pregnancy test and then phone the doctor, or at least that’s how they do it in the movies.  I called my doc who gave me two referrals, the first was not happening because the woman answering the phone obviously didn’t think my pregnancy was enough of an emergency to fit me in that day.  The second place I called the receptionist was the receptionist of my dreams.  She made me feel like me and my embryo were the most important things in the world and “of course they’d fit me in right away.”  Eran and I high tailed it to the doc and sat patiently until they took us back.  The nurse practitioner was a talking head on speed and I literally wanted to punch her in the face and tell her to slow down because we were new at this and had no damn idea what she was talking about!  I finally threw my weight around—well sort of-  I told her I worked for the hospital and I “knew people” in other words “slow your ass down and talk to us like the dummies we are cause we don’t understand a damn thing you are saying.”  And she did-but then she showed me who was boss when she said the sonogram machine wasn’t detecting the baby outside the belly so she was gonna have to do a vaginal one—bitch!  That’s what I get.  We had the vaginal ultrasound and honestly it was the most amazing site ever.  We saw, Poppy for the first time.  Poppy of course was the nickname from here on out since my baby was exactly the size of a poppy seed.  

Who knew a damn poppy seed could cause so much misery?  For the love of God that lil thing has had me going since week 5!  In the beginning I thought, this isn’t so bad, I’m not sure why people complain about it.  Then one night I was getting ready for bed, I swallowed my prenatal vitamin and within seconds my dinner and maybe even lunch from earlier too were in the toilet-barely.  And to make matters worse I peed!  Yes, I freakin peed when I threw up!!!!  I didn’t even know that was possible!  From that day forward my first trimester has been hell on earth.  No one told me on top of having to remember extra underwear everyday that Poppy would be so darn fickle.  One day he/she like strawberries and the next they are up with breakfast.  And being tired, Oh-MY-GOD!  I have never been so exhausted in all my life.  I literally want to sleep every moment of the day.  A couple of times at work I even slept on my office floor.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open- I closed the door, pulled out a yoga mat and blanket and took a nice siesta right in the middle of the work day.  I don’t understand how you are supposed to carry on with daily activities when I don’t even have the energy to shower and I NEED to shower because I keep PEEING on my damn self!  This is just not what I imagined.  I should have listened to my sister; she is the only person who kept it real with me.  She told me when she was pregnant both times, it was the worse experience of her life—not actually having my nieces of course, she loves them, but carrying them was awful!  Now I completely understand.  People keep telling me that being sick is a good thing because it means the pregnancy has “took” and the baby will be healthy.  Well if that is the case my baby is gonna be the healthiest thing in the DMV come December 2013!

Another issue I have with pregnancy is the acne.  My face has exploded and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.  The doctor said I can’t use Proactiv so I walk around looking like a knocked up 13 year old-it’s so embarrassing!   I woke up one morning and my face literally hurt.  I have to keep telling myself, it’s all for the baby, it’s all for the baby!  I’m pissed that I didn’t get the “glow.”  I keep wondering what that would have felt like.  I mean when people at work look at me they look like they feel sorry for me…almost like they are saying, “damn she use to be cute, but that pregnancy has messed her up.”  One woman literally told me my face has changed and not for the good *side eye*.  I sure hope this doesn’t scar because if so I’m going to be looking for the first microdermabrasion  deal on Living Social that I can find.  Speaking of Living Social one deal that I purchased years ago has been a complete wash!  I’ve been getting laser hair removal (in all the needed areas) for at least 3 years off and on.  I was finally at the point where I just needed a few touch ups and my treatment would be complete.  Well  I should have bought another Louie because that money has went down the drain.  Apparently when you are pregnant your hormones don’t give a damn about laser hair removal.  It’s as if all those painful trips to the medi-spa never existed.   So here I am now slowly getting fat, pimple faced with hair in areas I’d rather not speak of. Obviously the lil one on the way is mine because he/she sure knows how to prepare for a grand entrance, so world...get ready because here comesssss Poppy!