SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

I CAN'T SEE OVER MY BELLY TO SHAVE MY FREAKIN LEGS!!!!!!

NIPPLE/WEDGIE GATE...oh what a site!!

As the weeks pass by I’ve realized more and more that I CANNOT continue to wear the same bra and underwear.  For some reason I completely disregarded this very important piece of information and apparently thought I’d get by on my 34 C and size mediums for the duration of my pregnancy- boy was I sadly mistaken.  I must admit I am a bit of a snob when it comes to bra and underwear.  I refuse to buy a bra from anywhere other than Victoria Secret (mainly because I don’t have to think or try on since I’ve been wearing the same style for 10 years).  I only get new underwear when Victoria Secret sends me a card for a free pair- it’s been working fine for several years now.  So, I received 2 cards in the mail from VS for $10 off a bra and a free pair of underwear.  I headed over to the mall determined to find the perfect fit. 

A lil back story- I knew the old bras were no longer useful when I wore a white tank and looked down and saw my entire areola!  I was so shame!!!  Not to mention that the areola/nipple region mysteriously get darker during pregnancy!  Can you imagine?  It was like two oversized oreo cookies peaking through my shirt.  I was mortified- all I kept thinking is “how many people saw all my business, but didn’t want to embarrass me by saying anything?!” 

This nice lil saleswoman at VS helped me around the store as I told her all my specifics:  for the first time in my life hold the padding, give me full coverage, extra thick straps and for the love of God no underwire!!!  She pulled about 5 different styles and sent me off to the fitting room.  Now one thing about VS salespeople they don’t mind being all up in your personal space- I pushed the call button and she waltzed right on in the fitting room as I stood there bare belly and boobs bursting out of the poor size D she had given me.  She took one look at me and whispered, “we’re gonna have to go up a size.”  Now back in the day I probably would have enjoyed this tid bit of info, but the thought of by boobs being any bigger than a D cup scared the heck out of me, not to mention they aren’t done inflating!  She reemerged a few minutes later with a few styles in DD.  She went on to tell me that she hadn’t seen breast so full in a long time and that I may have to go up a size again to get the full coverage I was requesting.  I just gave her a blank stare and said “could you just close the door.”  I finally decided on a Body by Victoria Demi style and I am beyond happy with my purchase!  I’m pretty sure Eran thinks my new bra is anything but flattering, but I finally feel comfortable and can breathe!  Of course I snagged my free panties too!  It was a good day!

After the VS shopping adventure I realized I couldn’t get by on just one free pair of underwear, but as snobby as I wanted to be I also couldn’t see myself paying full price at VS for size large either.  Eran insisted I go to Target and get some underwear that fit because he was tired of me whining and complaining.  I honest to God have not purchased underwear in a package since college; I didn’t even know where to begin.  I stared at the wall of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom for women for at least 20 minutes.  I finally chose a package of each brand (wanting to give each a fair shot).  It was a little awkward- almost like the first time your mom makes you buy your own tampons.  I don’t know if I was slightly embarrassed by the size or the fact that I was over 30 and buying underwear that came 8 to a pack!  When I got in the car I opened the package and stretched a pair out for Eran to see.  His eyes grew almost as large as the damn underwear!  We both were like there is no way I can fit these things!!  I went home and tried them on over another pair (in case I had to return them) and I must admit as embarrassing as it is my big ass fit in them perfectly and I have been comfortable and happy ever since!  My poor body is going through changes I never imagined and the first time my son tries to talk back or complain about something you best believe I will not miss an opportunity to tell him what I went through for his lil butt!  I can finally say I understand why mothers everywhere feel the need to constantly remind their children about the hours they were in labor and how fine and good looking they were before kids, I actually can say I GET IT!  BUT, I be dern if I stay a size large and a DD post baby, I’ll being hiring a personal trainer to whip this butt back into shape pronto!

Let's talk about sex!

Not mind blowing, toe curling, baby making sex!  I mean the sex of the baby (get your mind out of the gutter)!  I’m pretty sure most women have two thoughts when they find out they are expecting…1) they pray for a healthy baby and 2) they wonder if they’ve been blessed with a boy or  a girl.  Finding out the sex of our baby was a high priority for Eran and I.  Eran because he wanted to know if his “legacy” would live on in a son and me because, well, I was just ready to shop for pink or blue.  Eran was so eager to find out the sex that he decided he wanted to visit a 3D ultrasound clinic so we could find out 3weeks early.   I would only recommend doing this if you are super anxious (as were we) and if you have a few extra bucks to spare (it can be expensive).  The place we went to offered three options:  gender reveal, 3D ultrasound or 4D ultrasound.  You could also purchase a package that included the same day gender reveal and an option to return later in your pregnancy and receive a 3D ultrasound or upgrade to the 4D.  Eran took one look at the 3D/4D images in the ultrasound office and said, “hell no!”  He was so freaked out by being able to see such an image of the baby.  He actually told the woman it was unnatural and they looked like clay aliens.  Can’t say I disagree.   The salesperson also tried to sell us a plastic heart that they can upload with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.  I literally thought Eran was going to run out of the place.  When he went to sit down I asked the woman to please stop talking to him.  

We went in for the ultrasound and even after peeing twice before I felt like I was gonna piss all over the place.  It was pretty cool they set you up in a relaxing room with low lights, soft music and instead of looking at a monitor the image is projected on a huge wall in front of you.  The tech stalled for a few seconds, for suspense I suppose, and then he pointed to the baby’s genitals and said CONGRATS IT’S A BOY!  My husband, Eran Burton Landry, jumped out of his chair like a damn fool.  He ran across the room and started celebrating like he had just ran the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.  He started fist pumping (well his version of fist pumping) and shouting YEA! Now anybody who knows Eran, I mean really knows him, knows this is not typical Eran behavior unless MAYBE he’s had a few drinks and we are on our annual ski trip other than that the man just doesn’t show emotion.   I seriously thought he was gonna start crying.  He was so excited!  I was excited to, but I didn’t jump off the table and run around the room like a crazy woman.  I just laid pack and smiled and thought to myself “thank goodness I don’t have to discuss tampons and carrying yourself like a lady.”  Whew!  I also thought about how my lil man would look, sound, and act.  I prayed right on the table that he would have his daddy’s patience and athletic ability, but a little bit of my sensitive side and ability to see two sides to every story. 

Finding out the sex of the baby makes things seem so much more real.  You know longer can call the baby IT or THING or whatever else.  There’s something so surreal about finally being able to say, “my son.”  I loved my son the moment I found out I was pregnant, but the moment I heard “it’s a boy” I fell in love with him 10 times more.  I can’t wait to meet him and count his little fingers and toes!  I'm so excited!!!!

I can't believe I actually would rather be a B Cup!

Before becoming pregnant I wasn’t the most endowed person when it came to my breast so I hadn’t really thought about what pregnancy would do to my cup size.  In college my friend Rosanna introduced me to the Victoria Secret Very Sexy push up and I’ve been fooling many a people since then!  Even with years of wearing a good push up I wasn’t prepared for what pregnancy would do to the “girls.”  They are seriously out of control!  Not only do they hurt, but they just keep getting bigger and bigger!  The other day I went to the grocery store and the boy who checked me out was literally staring at my chest.  At some point in my life I probably would’ve saw this as flattering, but for some reason with a baby inside of me I just felt violated.  Then again it was partly my fault; I’m still adjusting how to dress a growing chest.  I was in the grocery store in a v-neck tank top so all my business was exposed- serves me right that lil perv got a good look I guess. 

Last week I wore a dress to work that I’ve had for quite some time.  It has sort of an empire waist so it’s perfect for a growing belly.  However; the belly part was not the problem- my boobs were.  I could barely zip the top with my bra on so I had to go bra less to work.  Well sort of- I wore a backless bra that sticks to your skin and has zero support!  That at least enabled me to zip the dress.  By the end of the day I seriously thought my boobs were going to pop clean out of the dress and pop the zipper.  I literally could not breathe.  When Eran picked me up after work I jumped in the car and begged him to unzip me.  I rode the whole way home with the seat laid back, boobs exposed with just a backless bra but able to breathe!  It was awesome!!

Lately everyone wants to hug me to congratulate me on being pregnant.  That’s very nice and all, but really I just want them to stay the hell away from my chest.  It’s like in college when every damn body you saw had to give you a hug between the Commons and the Hub when all you were trying to do was check your mail and go to your dorm to take a nap.  Sometimes I’d walk the front of campus just to avoid all those damn hugs.   My friends who went to HBCUs said it was the same way, but I went to USM, a far cry from a HBCU, but anyway…I digress.  The point is my boobs feel like pins are pricking them and when someone unleashes a tight hug on me I want to scream, cry and smack the hell out of them all at the same time.  It’s an awful and downright mean feeling.  My friend Romika and I always talk about creating some invention that will turn us into millionaires.  I’m thinking we need to patent some sort of pregnancy boob shield.  Hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have put that in cyber space.  How do I trademark this?  Does this Pregnancy Boob Shield ™ suffice?  

The moral of this story is to a) shop for a new bra because obviously I have “out grown” my current stash b) stop trying to squeeze into pre-maternity tops and dresses because it’s not worth being unable to breathe  c) wink at the boy next time at the grocery store while simultaneously rubbing my belly just to freak his lil ass out and d) begin discussing patent  and trademark law with Remix ASAP!

Strollers, Cribs and Car Seats...Oh My!

This past weekend Eran and I went to look at cribs.  We started with what we thought was the most obvious place, Babies R US- that was epic fail #1!  I truly believe that Babies R US is designed to scare the crap out of expecting parents.  You walk in the door and there are shelves and aisles filled with items you think you just have to have. There are video monitors, pack and plays with changing stations and breast pumps that cater to people with inverted nipples!  I mean really, how the hell do you decide?   I keep hearing from people that you really don’t need all that much so don’t get caught up in the hype, but let’s face it everyone gets caught up in the hype.  No matter how many times someone tells me I don’t need a diaper genie and a wipe warmer you can bet I’m still going to buy them both.  Why?  Cause I’m the dumb new mom and I have to know, ya know, “for myself.”  Eran I walked into Babies R US with all sorts of confidence, until we reached the crib section! There were like hundreds OK maybe like 66, but you get the picture.  At first we just sort of stared and darted our eyes from one crib to the next.  Then we decided to venture into the dark hole.  It was pure madness.  I mean do you get the crib that has the changing table attached?  Do you choose the transitional crib that can later be a twin bed?  And what about a mattress?  I’m assuming firm because of all the SIDS research, but what if my baby likes plush and I don’t get a wink of sleep because I chose a lousy mattress?  Ugh decisions!  To top it all off buying baby furniture equals a mortgage payment!  Who knew that something so little needed so much stuff and at top rate prices?  Of course everything is sold separately so while the crib itself may be $500 the mattress is additional $200 and you have to get a dresser of some sort and other odds and ends.  I truly should have started saving for this baby when I was in my twenties. 

We finally decided that choosing a crib color and style in one day was insane so we ventured over to the pack and plays, epic fail #2!  Choosing everything baby related is like shopping for a new car.  You want to get the best bang for your buck, but still ball on a budget.  Of course I want my baby to have the best, but not at the expense of my pocket book- I mean day care will take care of that anyway!   The last item we chose to look at was car seats.  Car seats literally come in 1,000 different makes and models.  I’m super sensitive about products being recalled so I will not buy a car seat, crib or stroller before going to the Consumer Product Safety Commission website http://www.cpsc.gov/, but we still wanted to look just for fun.  It wasn’t fun at all!  I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that was epic fail #3!

We decided that Babies R US was a little too advanced for us so we opted to leave and go for ice cream- much better use of our time.  I suppose we’ll venture back when we build up enough courage- sometime between now and when the baby pops out…or at least I hope so!

I hate hormones, but I love watermelon and brown sugar pop tarts.

For my first OB visit they took about 8 vials of blood to test for various diseases- high glucose in particular.  I actually have a weird obsession with watching my blood get drawn.  I think it’s the coolest thing.  I was a lil sad when the nurse said she only had one more vial to get. Sick?  Yea, I know, but I don’t really care.   After the test, I get a call a couple of days later from a nurse at my doc’s office saying my glucose levels were on the borderline of being high.  I’d need to come in to take a special test that involved drinking a sugary liquid and waiting an hour to get my blood drawn.   I should have known Poppy wasn’t gonna like me not feeding him/her first thing in the morning, but instead ingesting some nasty sugary drink.  Eran and I went to the doc office first thing in the morning and everything started out “ok.”  I was sipping on the juice at my leisure.  The nurse then told me I only had 5 minutes to drink the whole bottle and I was down to one minute.  Nice time to tell me! I chugged the rest and then told the nurse, “I’m pretty sure this is coming back up.”  And….it did!  It was awful.  I was pissed…literally and figuratively.  Needless to say the nurse said I’d have to return on another date to retake the test.  I told myself from then on I was gonna have to take control of this pregnancy and advocate for what I did and did not want to do.  Apparently you can do that, but of course doctors don’t really encourage it.  That’s all they need is some big mouth mom to be who has an obsession with Google and Wikipedia.  I didn’t care though, I researched alternate ways to take the glucose test and found that 27 jelly beans or a Snicker’s (king size) have the same amount of sugar as the nasty liquid and you can sub them for the juice when you take your test.  Thank you Google!  I don’t like Wiki, doesn’t seem quite as reliable as my friend Google.   J

As my pregnancy has progressed (I know I still have a long way to go) I’ve learned quite a lot!  I’ve learned that hormones are a bitch and I’m desperately dreading menopause cause that’s another unfair trait of being a woman.  I’ve learned that having an insane supply of panty liners is a must because of leucorrhea.  I remember when Andria was pregnant and she kept telling me about panty liners.  I was so confused and I remember thinking, “isn’t the bonus of being pregnant not having a period- what the hell is she talking about?” Well, I’ve quickly learned.   Leucorrhea is actually quite normal and it’s simply caused by an increase in estrogen production and greater blood flow to the vaginal area (pretty cool, huh? Ok not really).   I’ve learned that the intense, crazy, sudden urge for brown sugar pop tarts and watermelon is what equals a craving.   I don’t think Eran likes those too much.  I’ve also learned that the thought of choosing a name for my baby scares the life out of me.  My mother-in-law called the other day to check on me and she asked if we’d thought of any names and I told her no.  That was actually a lie. We have, but I’m not sure I’m ready to share.  Everyone seems to have an opinion about baby names and I should know because as my BFF, Kerri has said I’m the Name Shaman.  It’s true; I’ve named half of Delisle.  I love thinking of baby names, but when it comes to my own I don’t think I’m ready for public opinion.  My M-I-L pleaded with me to not name the baby anything that rhymed with esha, quita, or some other mess.  I mean really….there was no need to respond.

I’ve learned that my life now revolves around my next meal.  I wake up thinking about what I’m going to eat and when I finish eating a meal I think about what I’m eating next. See the more often you eat the better you actually feel.  I’ve also learned that all pants/shorts should be made exactly like maternity pants.  They are hands down the most comfortable piece of clothing I have ever put on my body.  I absolutely love them.  I’m kinda excited about getting bigger so I can wear them even more.  Lastly, I’ve learned that using a rubber band (thank you pregnant high school kids I use to teach) to fasten my pants (because I don’t have enough maternity ones yet) is not the 100% best idea. The other day I wore some slacks to work and looped a rubber band from the button to hold them up and got dammit in the middle of the day that rubber band broke and popped the hell out of me…lesson learned!  I’m pretty sure it pissed Poppy off too because I was up at least 6 times that night going to the bathroom and I’m pretty sure it was for payback!  I’ve also learned that scrambled eggs and chicken are not my friends at the moment (this took quite a few bad instances to figure this one out), but that I absolutely need an egg McMuffin every day. 

Most importantly, as if I didn’t know, I’ve learned that my husband is the best and he’s gonna be such a great dad!  Every morning he brings me something light to eat before I get out of bed (helps with the nausea) and then he patiently waits for me to drag myself out of bed and get ready for work so we can carpool together.  He drives me to work and never complains when I yell “pull over” in the middle of morning rush hour traffic so I can hurl.  He checks and double checks that I’ve taken my anti-nausea medicine every morning and packed it up for the day.  He doesn’t get mad at me when I spend the whole weekend on the couch, in the same cloths and then complain about how awful I look.  I whine about being hot at night so he buys me a mini fan for the night stand.  I absolutely have no complaints about how fabulous he’s been EXCEPT he’s already talking about baby #2!  -_-

Here comes...Poppy!

I basically can sum up pregnancy in 4 words, “this ish is overrated!”  I’m not quite sure who decided that carrying a human being in your uterus for 9 months was so much more appealing than the stork dropping off a cute, dimple faced baby that resembles both me and my husband, but clearly I got the raw end of the deal.  When I think of how wonderful raising a baby will be and how excited I’m sure I’ll be at the conclusion of these 9 months it does keep me going and makes me try to look past the nausea and vomiting.  BUT, then I eat something that apparently the baby has decided since yesterday that he/she doesn’t like any longer and as I hold my hair with one hand and grip the toilet with the other it becomes very clear to me why surrogacy is so appealing to celebrities!

The day I found out I was pregnant I was honestly shocked!  I wanted to be like the women in those EPT commercials who are overcome with joy when the line turns from one to two, but I honestly couldn’t move.  I stared at that lil stick for at least 3 minutes before I decided, “oh shit, I need to tell Eran we are having a baby!”  I yelled for him downstairs to hurry up and that there was an emergency, his response, “I’m doing laundry, what is it?”  Well since it was Good Friday I decided using a few choice curse words was not very good Catholic girl of me so I politely yell back, “get up here now, I said it’s an emergency!”  So he came- not very eager I might add.  I pointed to the stick on the bathroom counter and we both just kinda stood there shell shocked.  We hugged and then decided; maybe we should call the doctor.  That’s the order right?  Positive pregnancy test and then phone the doctor, or at least that’s how they do it in the movies.  I called my doc who gave me two referrals, the first was not happening because the woman answering the phone obviously didn’t think my pregnancy was enough of an emergency to fit me in that day.  The second place I called the receptionist was the receptionist of my dreams.  She made me feel like me and my embryo were the most important things in the world and “of course they’d fit me in right away.”  Eran and I high tailed it to the doc and sat patiently until they took us back.  The nurse practitioner was a talking head on speed and I literally wanted to punch her in the face and tell her to slow down because we were new at this and had no damn idea what she was talking about!  I finally threw my weight around—well sort of-  I told her I worked for the hospital and I “knew people” in other words “slow your ass down and talk to us like the dummies we are cause we don’t understand a damn thing you are saying.”  And she did-but then she showed me who was boss when she said the sonogram machine wasn’t detecting the baby outside the belly so she was gonna have to do a vaginal one—bitch!  That’s what I get.  We had the vaginal ultrasound and honestly it was the most amazing site ever.  We saw, Poppy for the first time.  Poppy of course was the nickname from here on out since my baby was exactly the size of a poppy seed.  

Who knew a damn poppy seed could cause so much misery?  For the love of God that lil thing has had me going since week 5!  In the beginning I thought, this isn’t so bad, I’m not sure why people complain about it.  Then one night I was getting ready for bed, I swallowed my prenatal vitamin and within seconds my dinner and maybe even lunch from earlier too were in the toilet-barely.  And to make matters worse I peed!  Yes, I freakin peed when I threw up!!!!  I didn’t even know that was possible!  From that day forward my first trimester has been hell on earth.  No one told me on top of having to remember extra underwear everyday that Poppy would be so darn fickle.  One day he/she like strawberries and the next they are up with breakfast.  And being tired, Oh-MY-GOD!  I have never been so exhausted in all my life.  I literally want to sleep every moment of the day.  A couple of times at work I even slept on my office floor.  I couldn’t keep my eyes open- I closed the door, pulled out a yoga mat and blanket and took a nice siesta right in the middle of the work day.  I don’t understand how you are supposed to carry on with daily activities when I don’t even have the energy to shower and I NEED to shower because I keep PEEING on my damn self!  This is just not what I imagined.  I should have listened to my sister; she is the only person who kept it real with me.  She told me when she was pregnant both times, it was the worse experience of her life—not actually having my nieces of course, she loves them, but carrying them was awful!  Now I completely understand.  People keep telling me that being sick is a good thing because it means the pregnancy has “took” and the baby will be healthy.  Well if that is the case my baby is gonna be the healthiest thing in the DMV come December 2013!

Another issue I have with pregnancy is the acne.  My face has exploded and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.  The doctor said I can’t use Proactiv so I walk around looking like a knocked up 13 year old-it’s so embarrassing!   I woke up one morning and my face literally hurt.  I have to keep telling myself, it’s all for the baby, it’s all for the baby!  I’m pissed that I didn’t get the “glow.”  I keep wondering what that would have felt like.  I mean when people at work look at me they look like they feel sorry for me…almost like they are saying, “damn she use to be cute, but that pregnancy has messed her up.”  One woman literally told me my face has changed and not for the good *side eye*.  I sure hope this doesn’t scar because if so I’m going to be looking for the first microdermabrasion  deal on Living Social that I can find.  Speaking of Living Social one deal that I purchased years ago has been a complete wash!  I’ve been getting laser hair removal (in all the needed areas) for at least 3 years off and on.  I was finally at the point where I just needed a few touch ups and my treatment would be complete.  Well  I should have bought another Louie because that money has went down the drain.  Apparently when you are pregnant your hormones don’t give a damn about laser hair removal.  It’s as if all those painful trips to the medi-spa never existed.   So here I am now slowly getting fat, pimple faced with hair in areas I’d rather not speak of. Obviously the lil one on the way is mine because he/she sure knows how to prepare for a grand entrance, so world...get ready because here comesssss Poppy!