I got 99 problems, but peeing ain't one -_-

Tonight we are flying to DC for a wedding.  Anyone who knows me knows I am deathly afraid of flying.  I've been agonizing over this flight for weeks!  My usual agony stems from anticipating turbulence, being cramped in a middle seat and the airline losing my luggage.  I can typically override those issues with 2 prescription Xanax and a glass of Pinot at the gate.  However; with my growing belly and having to push a stroller through the masses I'm pretty sure being drunk will not look good on me- not to mention Xanax is bad for the baby (I looked it up just to be sure).  My biggest concern tonight is my bladder!  If the flight is anything like my typical evening routine I've calculated I'll have to pee at least 6-8 times between arriving at the airport in Fort Lauderdale and deplaning in DC.  I'm not quite sure how this will all work since besides flying the only thing I probably hate worse is getting up on the plane and walking!  For some reason I feel like if I'm in my lil seat saying a quiet lil prayer the plane is more likely to stay in the air.  I know it's irrational to think my ??5 weight will bother the steadiness of the plane, but I have a true phobia people and no one ever said phobias are rational!  On top of my issues my son is not the best flyer.  We flew with him in January to a wedding and it was just miserable.  God bless his lil heart.  His ears were popping, he had just conquered saying 'hi' and 'bye' so everyone in the airport and on the plane got to hear him practice it over and over again.  I tried to be prepared with snacks, juice, toys, his paci, and a blanket, but nothing seemed to interest him except crying and talking to strangers.  I foresee this being quite a long and not so peaceful trip this evening.  Any suggestions for traveling with a toddler and a mommy who needs a diaper just as much as he does?  I'm all ears!

Daycare chronicles...just the beginning!

Having the opportunity to spend 15 months at home with my son was AMAZING!  I quickly realized that the control freak in me loved the fact that I was in charge of every aspect of his little life and schedule.  When I was offered my current position I immediately became anxious about choosing a daycare.  I already knew that no matter how clean or safe a place seemed, no one could care for Lawsen the way I did at home.  Eran and I begin touring daycares and narrowed it to 2 places.  Our top choice of course had a waiting list so we had to go with choice b- which was really only a contender based on availability and location.  When I did the initial tour I didn't get a warm and fuzzy feeling from the Director, but I shrugged it off and figured I was probably overanalyzing our interaction.  Fast forward to present day and although Lawsen seems fine in his current situation I haven't been too impressed.  His second week the assistant Director called me to ask if someone could pick him up because he had a "laceration in his private area and what appeared to be a rash AND they were worried about infection."  Seeing as how I was also on my second week of a new job, Eran leaves work to pick him up and I call and make a pediatrician appointment.  Once Eran gets Lawsen home he looks him over and doesn't see a "laceration" but what appears to be the beginning of a diaper rash.  With hesitation he takes him to the pediatrician- she diagnoses him with a diaper rash and sends them on their way.  So basically we paid a $25 co-pay for a damn diaper rash!  The next day I pick him up from daycare and his teacher tells me he got in an altercation with another child because he didn't want to share a toy.  The other kid scratched Lawsen under his eye and on his neck.  Trying not to sound like a mom who promotes violence, I asked if Lawsen got in a scratch as well.  She said he did and without her noticing I gave my baby a lil extra squeeze.  I be damn if somebody gonna scratch my baby all up and he doesn't defend himself!  She then went on to explain to me that Lawsen doesn't understand the concept of sharing because he doesn't have siblings with him and this is something we should work on explaining to him.  I looked at her like she had lost her mind and said, "no he doesn't understand the concept of sharing because he is 15 MONTHS."  Now I don't believe in kids hitting or biting or even being little brats and not sharing; however at 15 months they barely know how to walk without tripping over their own feet so they sure as heck are going to have trouble with the concept of sharing!  I was so annoyed!  What annoyed me even further was the fact that the day before he had a diaper rash and they called to report, but the day he gets in an altercation and his scratched all up I don't hear a thing from anybody!  Fast forward to two weeks later.  Lawsen develops a high fever on a Friday evening.  We give him Tylenol and attempt to make him comfortable.  He insists on sleeping with us and laying sideways with his feet on Eran and his head on my belly!  As you can imagine we didn't get much sleep.  By Sunday his fever had not broken so we took him to the pediatrician and he was diagnosed with an ear infection and given antibiotics.  I really wanted to blame the daycare, but I knew it wasn't their fault, but instead just a common issue for a growing toddler.  I've decided to let go and let God when it comes to the daycare.  I know that I would be happier if I arrived to pick him up and his nose wasn't snotty, his shirt wasn't covered in yogurt from lunch and his hair wasn't all over his head BUT I also know he is getting good care and his teacher Ms. Kathy is a nice lil Hatian lady that enjoys speaking French to him just to make him giggle.  I think the real issue is that I'm jealous that the staff at the daycare get to spend so much time with him and I feel guilty for missing so many precious moments with him each day.  I'm so blessed to have been home with him for as long as I was.  I know that when my baby girl arrives it will be an even bigger struggle to leave her with strangers.  And while being a stay at home mom was certainly the hardest job I've ever had, I know that my children will be proud of me no matter if I'm home with them or watching the clock at a 9 to 5.  And lets be honest- all those student loans will not repay themselves! My mama didn't raise no fool :)

I hope the Lord has a blind eye!

Well it's been a minute---or a year or so since I've actually had the time to type my thoughts down, pee with the door closed or sleep like a baby (pun intended).  To say my life has changed is truly an understatement.  Having Lawsen has been the most challenging, yet rewarding hurdle I've ever attempted to jump.  I literally learn something new about him, being a mom, my husband's tolerance level and how to survive with little to no sleep and minimal privacy every single day.  Now that Lawsen has reached the ripe old age of 16 months I'm starting to feel like a pro at this motherhood thing.  Just a little recap.  We moved from VA to FL when Lawsen was 5 weeks!  I think I'm still in shock that we managed to pack up our house and our newborn and drive in the midst of winter without killing one another and with Lawsen still in tact!  When we arrived in FL we lived in a nice lil apartment for the first 9 months before buying a fixer upper in our ideal neighborhood.  Having a baby that is learning to walk and babble all while renovating your home is well- dumb!  We didn't have finished floors for over a month, there was (and still is) boxes everywhere that Lawsen would bump into or dig into (I'm not sure which is worse).   We've learned a lot and I thought we had reached a high point.  I hadn't really worked since we left VA which meant I was home caring for Lawsen and getting him on my perfect little schedule and I felt like we were finally not just surviving, but actually living and enjoying life.  Well as usual God has very different plans and just like not using a condom or being on birth control he can shake your life up real quick!  So here we are with a 16 month old and....I'm pregnant!  My friend, Nada and I were pregnant at the same time with our first babies and coincidentally are pregnant again at the same time.  I asked her recently if we'd lost our damn minds to do it all over again when things were finally starting to feel like the new normal.  Quite frankly I think we are nuts.  While I'm thrilled to be having another baby, finding out we are having a girl has literally scared the crap out of me.  I love little girls and dressing my daughter up in frilly little outfits and huge ass bows has always been a dream BUT girls are difficult.  I think back to my endless attitudes, obnoxious pre-teen days and bad boy obsession and I want to hide under a rock and say 50 Hail Mary's all at the same time.  I just hope and PRAY (Lord I hope you can read this) that my daughter doesn't have the bad attitude gene and thinks I'm the best mom in the whole wide world. BAHAHAHAHAHA I can't even type that without laughing at myself.   I'm sure she'll give me a run for my money and my mom will have some moments where she sits back, shakes her head and thinks "ha now you see what I had to go through and I hope you enjoy it."  I know this is going to be a different and at times difficult journey, but I think I'm ready.  I mean I don't have a choice we are at t-minus 19 weeks.  So wish me luck, stay along for the ride (if you have nothing better to do) and send me all your best advice on dealing with smart mouthed, but ridiculously adorable little girlies! XO

SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

I CAN'T SEE OVER MY BELLY TO SHAVE MY FREAKIN LEGS!!!!!!

NIPPLE/WEDGIE GATE...oh what a site!!

As the weeks pass by I’ve realized more and more that I CANNOT continue to wear the same bra and underwear.  For some reason I completely disregarded this very important piece of information and apparently thought I’d get by on my 34 C and size mediums for the duration of my pregnancy- boy was I sadly mistaken.  I must admit I am a bit of a snob when it comes to bra and underwear.  I refuse to buy a bra from anywhere other than Victoria Secret (mainly because I don’t have to think or try on since I’ve been wearing the same style for 10 years).  I only get new underwear when Victoria Secret sends me a card for a free pair- it’s been working fine for several years now.  So, I received 2 cards in the mail from VS for $10 off a bra and a free pair of underwear.  I headed over to the mall determined to find the perfect fit. 

A lil back story- I knew the old bras were no longer useful when I wore a white tank and looked down and saw my entire areola!  I was so shame!!!  Not to mention that the areola/nipple region mysteriously get darker during pregnancy!  Can you imagine?  It was like two oversized oreo cookies peaking through my shirt.  I was mortified- all I kept thinking is “how many people saw all my business, but didn’t want to embarrass me by saying anything?!” 

This nice lil saleswoman at VS helped me around the store as I told her all my specifics:  for the first time in my life hold the padding, give me full coverage, extra thick straps and for the love of God no underwire!!!  She pulled about 5 different styles and sent me off to the fitting room.  Now one thing about VS salespeople they don’t mind being all up in your personal space- I pushed the call button and she waltzed right on in the fitting room as I stood there bare belly and boobs bursting out of the poor size D she had given me.  She took one look at me and whispered, “we’re gonna have to go up a size.”  Now back in the day I probably would have enjoyed this tid bit of info, but the thought of by boobs being any bigger than a D cup scared the heck out of me, not to mention they aren’t done inflating!  She reemerged a few minutes later with a few styles in DD.  She went on to tell me that she hadn’t seen breast so full in a long time and that I may have to go up a size again to get the full coverage I was requesting.  I just gave her a blank stare and said “could you just close the door.”  I finally decided on a Body by Victoria Demi style and I am beyond happy with my purchase!  I’m pretty sure Eran thinks my new bra is anything but flattering, but I finally feel comfortable and can breathe!  Of course I snagged my free panties too!  It was a good day!

After the VS shopping adventure I realized I couldn’t get by on just one free pair of underwear, but as snobby as I wanted to be I also couldn’t see myself paying full price at VS for size large either.  Eran insisted I go to Target and get some underwear that fit because he was tired of me whining and complaining.  I honest to God have not purchased underwear in a package since college; I didn’t even know where to begin.  I stared at the wall of Hanes and Fruit of the Loom for women for at least 20 minutes.  I finally chose a package of each brand (wanting to give each a fair shot).  It was a little awkward- almost like the first time your mom makes you buy your own tampons.  I don’t know if I was slightly embarrassed by the size or the fact that I was over 30 and buying underwear that came 8 to a pack!  When I got in the car I opened the package and stretched a pair out for Eran to see.  His eyes grew almost as large as the damn underwear!  We both were like there is no way I can fit these things!!  I went home and tried them on over another pair (in case I had to return them) and I must admit as embarrassing as it is my big ass fit in them perfectly and I have been comfortable and happy ever since!  My poor body is going through changes I never imagined and the first time my son tries to talk back or complain about something you best believe I will not miss an opportunity to tell him what I went through for his lil butt!  I can finally say I understand why mothers everywhere feel the need to constantly remind their children about the hours they were in labor and how fine and good looking they were before kids, I actually can say I GET IT!  BUT, I be dern if I stay a size large and a DD post baby, I’ll being hiring a personal trainer to whip this butt back into shape pronto!

Let's talk about sex!

Not mind blowing, toe curling, baby making sex!  I mean the sex of the baby (get your mind out of the gutter)!  I’m pretty sure most women have two thoughts when they find out they are expecting…1) they pray for a healthy baby and 2) they wonder if they’ve been blessed with a boy or  a girl.  Finding out the sex of our baby was a high priority for Eran and I.  Eran because he wanted to know if his “legacy” would live on in a son and me because, well, I was just ready to shop for pink or blue.  Eran was so eager to find out the sex that he decided he wanted to visit a 3D ultrasound clinic so we could find out 3weeks early.   I would only recommend doing this if you are super anxious (as were we) and if you have a few extra bucks to spare (it can be expensive).  The place we went to offered three options:  gender reveal, 3D ultrasound or 4D ultrasound.  You could also purchase a package that included the same day gender reveal and an option to return later in your pregnancy and receive a 3D ultrasound or upgrade to the 4D.  Eran took one look at the 3D/4D images in the ultrasound office and said, “hell no!”  He was so freaked out by being able to see such an image of the baby.  He actually told the woman it was unnatural and they looked like clay aliens.  Can’t say I disagree.   The salesperson also tried to sell us a plastic heart that they can upload with the sound of the baby’s heartbeat.  I literally thought Eran was going to run out of the place.  When he went to sit down I asked the woman to please stop talking to him.  

We went in for the ultrasound and even after peeing twice before I felt like I was gonna piss all over the place.  It was pretty cool they set you up in a relaxing room with low lights, soft music and instead of looking at a monitor the image is projected on a huge wall in front of you.  The tech stalled for a few seconds, for suspense I suppose, and then he pointed to the baby’s genitals and said CONGRATS IT’S A BOY!  My husband, Eran Burton Landry, jumped out of his chair like a damn fool.  He ran across the room and started celebrating like he had just ran the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.  He started fist pumping (well his version of fist pumping) and shouting YEA! Now anybody who knows Eran, I mean really knows him, knows this is not typical Eran behavior unless MAYBE he’s had a few drinks and we are on our annual ski trip other than that the man just doesn’t show emotion.   I seriously thought he was gonna start crying.  He was so excited!  I was excited to, but I didn’t jump off the table and run around the room like a crazy woman.  I just laid pack and smiled and thought to myself “thank goodness I don’t have to discuss tampons and carrying yourself like a lady.”  Whew!  I also thought about how my lil man would look, sound, and act.  I prayed right on the table that he would have his daddy’s patience and athletic ability, but a little bit of my sensitive side and ability to see two sides to every story. 

Finding out the sex of the baby makes things seem so much more real.  You know longer can call the baby IT or THING or whatever else.  There’s something so surreal about finally being able to say, “my son.”  I loved my son the moment I found out I was pregnant, but the moment I heard “it’s a boy” I fell in love with him 10 times more.  I can’t wait to meet him and count his little fingers and toes!  I'm so excited!!!!

I can't believe I actually would rather be a B Cup!

Before becoming pregnant I wasn’t the most endowed person when it came to my breast so I hadn’t really thought about what pregnancy would do to my cup size.  In college my friend Rosanna introduced me to the Victoria Secret Very Sexy push up and I’ve been fooling many a people since then!  Even with years of wearing a good push up I wasn’t prepared for what pregnancy would do to the “girls.”  They are seriously out of control!  Not only do they hurt, but they just keep getting bigger and bigger!  The other day I went to the grocery store and the boy who checked me out was literally staring at my chest.  At some point in my life I probably would’ve saw this as flattering, but for some reason with a baby inside of me I just felt violated.  Then again it was partly my fault; I’m still adjusting how to dress a growing chest.  I was in the grocery store in a v-neck tank top so all my business was exposed- serves me right that lil perv got a good look I guess. 

Last week I wore a dress to work that I’ve had for quite some time.  It has sort of an empire waist so it’s perfect for a growing belly.  However; the belly part was not the problem- my boobs were.  I could barely zip the top with my bra on so I had to go bra less to work.  Well sort of- I wore a backless bra that sticks to your skin and has zero support!  That at least enabled me to zip the dress.  By the end of the day I seriously thought my boobs were going to pop clean out of the dress and pop the zipper.  I literally could not breathe.  When Eran picked me up after work I jumped in the car and begged him to unzip me.  I rode the whole way home with the seat laid back, boobs exposed with just a backless bra but able to breathe!  It was awesome!!

Lately everyone wants to hug me to congratulate me on being pregnant.  That’s very nice and all, but really I just want them to stay the hell away from my chest.  It’s like in college when every damn body you saw had to give you a hug between the Commons and the Hub when all you were trying to do was check your mail and go to your dorm to take a nap.  Sometimes I’d walk the front of campus just to avoid all those damn hugs.   My friends who went to HBCUs said it was the same way, but I went to USM, a far cry from a HBCU, but anyway…I digress.  The point is my boobs feel like pins are pricking them and when someone unleashes a tight hug on me I want to scream, cry and smack the hell out of them all at the same time.  It’s an awful and downright mean feeling.  My friend Romika and I always talk about creating some invention that will turn us into millionaires.  I’m thinking we need to patent some sort of pregnancy boob shield.  Hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have put that in cyber space.  How do I trademark this?  Does this Pregnancy Boob Shield ™ suffice?  

The moral of this story is to a) shop for a new bra because obviously I have “out grown” my current stash b) stop trying to squeeze into pre-maternity tops and dresses because it’s not worth being unable to breathe  c) wink at the boy next time at the grocery store while simultaneously rubbing my belly just to freak his lil ass out and d) begin discussing patent  and trademark law with Remix ASAP!